I write this, though I wish I could say it to you- not that my lack of verbal communication skills would make it satisfactory- but I only wish I could make you listen to the emotions I feel towards you for once, instead of you having to feel them as vibrations on my neck and movements on my lips.
Although, I realize I had rather you feel it than hear it, for you understand me better than most, I believe, because you physically experience what I have to say. While everyone hears me, few listen, and even lesser understand.
But not you, you feel my every word, understand my every action and experience my every thought with me.
For that, I am immensely grateful.
You rarely ever let me sign to you, you always said that you had rather read the words on my lips and hold my hands in yours- while watching my face express and enhance my words- than not be allowed that physical contact, while I desperately tried to concentrate on the movements of my hands to form an interpretable message.
When you needed to hear me, you gently laid three fingers against my throat, absorbing every vibration.
I had never met a person so easy to speak to.
Speaking in public made me nervous, and your ability to watch my lips and read my mind meant that I need not vocalize what I had to say, you did not require it.
The sense of security I got from not needing to say everything that needed to be said, was immsense.
It only made me love you more.
It made me want to tell you everything about me because I felt safe in your sight. I felt safe when you gazed at my lips, watching their every movement- reading them like you were reading lines from a poem; when you observed the placement of my hands and understood the message beyond them, reading into my body like you were fluent in its language. I felt safe when you tenderly traced your fingertips from my throat to my lips and traveling back to my throat. I was sure you could make a contour map of my body, and not once did it make me uncomfortable.
Our fulfilling, silent conversations only made me fall further in love with you.
I was nervous when we attended your friend’s wedding for I knew nobody and you were aware of how uneasy it made me to walk into a room full of strangers and be expected to introduce myself. I concealed it well but it never took you long to see through my façades.
You made sure you never left my side, and when you did sit by the bar, speaking to an acquaintance, you made sure that my arm was safely looped into that of your best friend’s.
I could feel your periodic glances my way. I finally caught your gaze and I knew, as my eyes found yours for those brief moments, that I would never be lost amongst strangers without having you find me.
You then winked at me before turning back to your partner, assured of my comfort, and I no longer felt like a grown woman, I was suddenly transformed into a child, with a sudden impulse to hop and squeal in joy.
Your ability to put me into a trance of ecstasy from across a room, and your constant presence even in the absence of contact made me swoon with love for you.
It has been three months since you first said my name, it feels as though it was only yesterday.
Your voice was hoarse, you had not attempted to speak since over two years; you apologized for you thought that you had mispronounced my name, but you must know that nobody has said my name quite as eloquently and gracefully as you did. Each syllable rolled off your tongue with elegance and I could not help but kiss you, amidst tears of overwhelming happiness and love.
Never has my name been uttered with so much meticulousness and care, never has it felt so safe in another’s mouth. Never have I been driven to wobbly knees by a mere whisper of my name.
Your face, your beautiful face, was lit up with excitement as your hands stroked my cheek and slowly, carefully, you spoke my name. Once you did, you flushed with triumph, thrilled at my reaction.
I can only unsuccessfully attempt to elicit such emotions from you. How could I ever be as thoughtful and loving as the man who does not require to be told how to make my heart race, overflowing with warmth?
I could not.
I promise to try, nonetheless.
You need no words to be told of my emotions. One look, and my face betrays all that there is for you to know. I surrendered long ago, I refuse to fight a losing battle- I have no reason to not let you know all there is to me and to my feelings towards you.
Perhaps, if I was more articulate, this letter would be phrased to better express myself.
However, I learned from you that actions speak louder than words; and I vow to let my embraces and kisses be proof of everything you make me feel.
I love you.